Special Time with Kids? Are You Crazy?

One of the best reasons to start your own parenting column is so that you can freely disregard the advice of others.  Let’s start with this idea of giving “special time” to each kid.

I must be the only one who thinks the very name “special time with kids” is faintly creepy, like something out of a painful childhood memoir.  Putting that aside, the basic idea of special time, as promoted by countless parenting articles, is that you set aside fixed times each week, or day, to spend 10-15 minutes, or 30-60 minutes, with each of your children individually. That’s right.  While the other four children are running around the house setting things on fire, I’m supposed to carve out up to an hour each day, per kid, prescheduled and unbreakable, to focus exclusively on the remaining one.  A lot of these articles suggest that we’re actually going out to eat together for a heart to heart talk.  Yep that’s right.  Me and the three-year-old are going on a date every week.

Now heaven knows that I’m easily guilted, so I tried this when the kids were younger.  Aside from the problem of, I don’t know, time and exhaustion and lack of supervision for the other children . . . . this still didn’t work on so many levels.  I think the core problem is that I am just not that interesting.  If we were going out somewhere, the special kid would always ask, “Can the other kids come?” If we were playing a game, same.  Half the time, they’d be busy with something when it was time for special time and I was actually interrupting.  They were not so into pouring out their hearts on cue. Special Time soon joined the trash heap of well-meaning but nutso ideas. 

Still, the sentiment behind Special Time is great. How can you make sure your kids feel special and valued by you?  Here’s how we actually do it around here.

·         Hugs and affection.  Lots of hugs. Greet your child in the spirit of an excited puppy. Call them the most wonderful “Mary” or “Tom” or “Liza” in the world.

·         Respond!  Really work at engaging with your child when they want to engage with you.  Listen when they want to talk. Try to say yes when they want to play a game.  If you do this even half the time, your child’s perception will be that you “always” have time for them.  Even thirty seconds of your attention when it is wanted can be enough to generate this special feeling in your child.

·         Look for clues for what makes your child feel special.  Mother’s and Father’s Day cards are your gold mine here.  Why are you great as a parent?  If your card says “My dad makes pancakes with me,” do more of that. If it’s “My mom gives hugs,” do that.

·         Notice and affirm.  Look for what makes each of your children unique and affirm them based on what their values are. If your child values loyalty and friendship, affirm him on that (“You are really kind and loyal to your friends and I think that’s special in someone your age.”)  If she values creativity, or bravery or persistence, affirm that. You will know you hit the right button when your child’s whole being lights up that you saw what they are trying to do and be in life, and that you noticed.

·         It doesn’t have to be even.  Kids have different needs for attention and will thrive on what they need. It’s more important that you try to respond to what you observe your kids asking for than trying to make your time “even.”

·         Don’t go nuts.  Remember, your kid is not your spouse.  They don’t really expect an exclusive relationship with you, at least after that uncomfortable “second child is born” period. Why did you have multiple children if not to have them entertain each other?  Work within your own energy level and just do the best you reasonably can. If your kids seem happy and well adjusted, you’re probably already good! A little individual attention goes a long way.

To me, scheduled “special time” falls in the category of hyper-parenting that puts too much pressure on already good-enough parents.  With a more relaxed approach, doling out small bits of attention as needed, most of the time you spend with your kids can be a special time, not just for them, but for you. 

Do-Overs

Real Parent: Do Overs

I don't know how much kids even play outside anymore--games like Spud or Medic or games without even a name, where the rules shift in mysterious ways in pursuit of fun and fairness. One universal in those groups though was the idea of the do-over. Somebody would slip on the wet grass, the weekly tornado siren would go off and distract people or whatever, and you'd call do-over.  The glorious second chance.

One nice thing about having five children is that you get a lot of do-overs.  In my case, it seems to take about three years of lag time for me to even realize I should have done something, oh, three years ago.  On that basis, since Kid 1 is now a junior, Kid 2 should have a much-improved high school experience beginning next year. Here are some things we're definitely doing differently for the start of high school:

•  Start visiting colleges now.  We mistakenly thought that kids had to have some idea what they want to do with their lives or what they might want to study before visiting colleges. Wrong!  This time we will be visiting a couple of colleges early - any colleges. If we have a couple days off school, we'll go see one of the campuses in town. If we're going on vacation, we will stop by a random school.   Even if they have no idea of what they want to do with their lives, even if paralyzed by ignorance and indecision, kids can get the feel of a  technical or community college vs. a university vs. a liberal arts college.  They can get the feel of an urban vs. small town campus and learn what to expect from a college visit. We didn't realize that getting on campus itself - any campus - is a motivator to start researching options. By visiting early, you make college real.

•  Send your kid away to an on-campus camp. After your kid turns sixteen, they may very well want a summer job that will preclude going away. Look into having your kid stay on a college campus for a week or two during the summer after freshman or sophomore year.  Having that independence, familiarity and practice in a dorm setting is a great asset to take with you into college and reassuring to both kid and parent.

•  Have your kid take a careers class.  I can't find a kid or parent who regrets their kid taking a high school career exploration class. In fact, when I interviewed seniors for my alma mater this year, almost every one said they decided on a potential major and  career path in careers class. It's the best elective you can take as a freshman or sophomore.

•  Take off the training wheels. Junior high is the best time for this, but if you haven't already, let your kid handle his or her own schoolwork, suffer some less than awesome grades, and learn from experience during freshman and sophomore year. Maturity comes from making mistakes.

•  Coach for independent living.  It may not seem plausible that a kid who can speak another language or do trigonometry needs direct instruction to make a package of ramen noodles.  I assure you, it is.  Actually, these kinds of "college lessons" may be the most fun ones for your kid and you, especially if you can laugh at yourselves ("No, no, take the foil seasoning packet thingy out before you dump the nood. . . hooboy, get the tongs. . . ")  Every time you do something for your kid or your household, ask yourself if there's a lesson for your kid instead (Can they take their own temperature and determine how much Tylenol to take?  Can they find their favorite  snacks in a grocery store and check out?) It's fun and empowering for kids to learn adult skills now.

Sure, the do-over concept is a little hard on the first kid, condemned to serve as a test subject. But you know, it seems like those firstborns turn out okay regardless.  With the assistance of a do-over, or four, I think we will figure it out.

Geek Mom

I have a buddy, a mom I admire, who recently started a Facebook blog called Sports Mama.  Being a personal fan of hers, of course I immediately liked it (Real Parent is on Facebook too, by the way . . . .) Reading her posts about her kids’  injuries, how to best feed kids before a game, what to serve for the team dinner, and how “we” won this or that, though, has thrown into stark relief just how much I am not a sports mama.

I tried.  A little.  Kinda. More with the first two kids. . . .   You see, you’re supposed to put your kids in sports.  It’s good exercise and it teaches them about teamwork and gives them friends.  I shivered on the frozen wind-whipped plains of Flying Cloud, I broiled my backside on searing metal bleachers, I stifled next to overheated, humid, echoing pools.  I watched my progeny looking at geese flying overhead instead of the ball, flinching from confrontations, and declining to run.  After deducing that balls in general seemed like a problem area, we tried other stuff like fencing and gymnastics and skating.  As soon as it stopped being fun and started getting all sacrifice and Eye of the Tiger, my kids were out.

Judging from Sports Mama, it’s all for the best.  I’m not cut out to be a sports mom for innumerable reasons, including social withdrawal (just looking at the “one liquor license away-from a kegger” parental gathering in the foyer of EPCC at every hockey tournament gives me hives) and a generally neutral attitude toward winning.  Still, as a mom you still want your kids to get those undeniable benefits of sports in some other way.  Here is the Geek Mom approach to sports replacement:

·         Get exercise as a family.  If your kid hates sports, he/she is probably a geek and has some obsessive interest.  Allow your child to talk your ear off about that interest only when out on a walk with you. Alternatively, go hiking and biking, go sledding, go in the woods and climb trees like ninjas.  Do exercise that is fun.

·         Develop drive and motivation through other interests. Get your kids into science, electronics, computer programing, art, music or drama lessons where they can learn that practice creates performance. All kids need to gain the self-esteem generated by doing something that is hard.

 ·         Learn about teamwork and make friends through other teams.  Sign your kids up to try a different kind of team!  Teams like Destination Imagination, FIRST Lego League, math teams, quiz bowl, drama, music and other afterschool clubs often provide just as much opportunity to compete, improve, work together, and bond with friends as a sports team.

·         Love what they love.  You may not get it, but you can “get” the light on your child’s face when you finally find the right thing for them.

 It’s not always easy to say no to the sports juggernaut. Just recently, I got blindsided at the Bakken Museum, of all places.  After the guy supervising the electronic open workshop finished telling me that Kid #3 was “very knowledgeable” about electronics, he started telling us how he should do sports.  (The Bakken should be a safe place for geeks!  Safe Place!)  Still, I know in my heart that my kids are getting those sports lessons in other ways.  I hope that in their own way, the sports kids and sports moms are getting the geek lesson of true enthusiasm.  As beautifully expressed by Simon Pegg: 

 “Being a geek is all about being honest about what you enjoy and not being afraid to demonstrate that affection. It means never having to play it cool about how much you like something. It’s basically a license to proudly emote on a somewhat childish level rather than behave like a supposed adult. Being a geek is extremely liberating.”

Whether it be hockey or drama, running or robotics, my wish is for every kid to love their activity or team that much—and for every mama and papa to share that joy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Real Parent: Pinball Wizard

Video games are such a part of kid culture these days.  Not to sound too much like a grampus, because they were part of my childhood too – right at the dawn of the Pong era.  Indeed, I have somewhat flummoxed memories of my otherwise brilliant and achieving mother wasting hours racking up millions of points on Atari Pinball. 

 

Some of the video game problems for parents are the same today as yesterday:  kids spending too much time on games, becoming obsessive, neglecting homework, chores or people.  Others are magnified, for example concerns about exposing kids and teens to violent content.  It’s the parent’s job to negotiate the video game minefield.  Here’s what we’ve tried to do and some perspectives that may help.

 

·         Realize that gaming has a legitimate role for kids.  Unless you’re really going alternative, gaming is going to have some role in your kids’ lives.  It is a major social interest to share with others.  They enjoy the challenge of it and the clear evidence that they are “leveling” and building skills. They work together and socialize with gaming in a way that is far more interactive than the TV we watched as kids. It’s not all bad.

 

·         Hold your line on content.  I believe that saturation in violent content isn’t real good for anybody, let alone children.  If you have multiple children, you also need to consider “ratings creep” with younger kids wanting to watch what their older siblings do.  If you’re not careful you can have the chilling spectacle of hearing your first grader cheer as your 12-year-old decapitates a civilian.  We found just following the ratings (13 to play T, 17 to play M) to be easiest to prevent endless negotiation and to have the force of society behind us.  Kids are not going to die from having to wait. Hold your line on content to whatever the more-squeamish parent  truly feels is benign. 

 

·         Talk to your kids about content. Even when a kid is “legal” for a game, not all content is good for them.  We use the term “soul-sucking” – as in, “Is playing this game sucking your soul?”  Are you gunning down civilians, desecrating bodies?  Is playing this game basically volunteering to live in a war zone? (Because if we want to live in a war zone, we could save a ton on housing . . . . )  Games played at other kids’ houses can be a chance to talk about what’s disturbing and not good to feed your soul upon, and to develop some discrimination.

 

·         Try going vintage.  Buying vintage systems like Atari, Nintendo 64 or others you grew up with is not only cheap but a great way to sidestep content issues as classic games are much less violent.  They are still extremely fun and provide a “cool factor” other kids’ houses don’t have.

 

·         Put boundaries around the time suck.  Easier said than done, right?  It helps to create routines with defined “windows” where gaming is available. For example, we don’t game before school.  After school, we have snack, homework, chores and reading time and then there’s a window where you can game until dinner.  That’s easier and more natural to keep track of than timers or weekly limits. It also reduces conflict around “it’s time to shut the game off” because the gaming time is already framed by a set routine. Decide with both parents how much is gaming is appropriate.  Make a separate plan for weekends or vacations.

 

·         Help your kids find other passions.  I’m not gonna lie – our kids who love games play a lot of games in their free time.  But the time they spend on them has naturally decreased as they discover other sustained interests, like programming computers or building electronics or doing art.  Games also seem to fade away as kids increase their real-world obligations like schoolwork, housework and employment. A lot of kids game because they don’t have anything more meaningful or fun to do.  Keep helping them try new things and find that spark that can be another source of pride, achievement, social connection, and “something to do.”

The Coat Conundrum, or, Decision Fee

We have an annual fall tradition here in the Sweeney house.  I’d like to give it some kind of catchy name, like they have for bullfighting, something like The Running of the Coats.  Except, it’s more like, The Running from the Coats.  The children flee around the yard pursued by the threat of wearing a light jacket or one of Grandma’s hand-knit sweaters in temperatures of 36 degrees plus I-don’t-wanna-know-yet windchill, their sockless feet stuffed into sneakers that make footprints in the actual frost on the ground. 

This whole scenario is completely absurd to anyone who knows me, as I am famous for wearing shorts into December.  And I don’t even have the excuse that I grew up on the Iron Range, or I have a hyperthyroid disorder or anything like that.  It is just a choice that I don’t like to be hot. Ever.   Consequently, I feel like I do provide a lot of power to my kids to decide how much outerwear is necessary.  Still, last week it just seemed like it was getting ridiculous.  I fear the judgment of the school and the other parents.  I imagine Child Protection dropping by.  I feel I must at least at least do something to encourage coat-wearing.  But here I have a kid actually weeping frustrated tears and curling into a ball, so strong is his determination to wear shorts, a tee shirt and no coat.  I was not relishing the idea of either a) losing this battle or b) physically jamming his wee little arms into a jacket and sending him weeping onto the bus.

So what did I do?  I charged him. 

I call it a Decision Fee and it’s a nice little “out” for these kinds of situations where you decide you don’t have to win, but you still want to make a statement.  I told the three younger kids they needed to wear a sweater, and if they didn’t want to wear a sweater that badly, it would cost them three bucks.  One took the deal, was relieved and stopped crying.  The other two thought he was insane.  Three bucks?  They’d wear a sweater, thanks.  But he felt empowered by being able to choose that.

The next cold day? I don’t know if it was that Kid suffered the natural consequence of getting uncomfortably cold, or if Teacher laid down the law, or if Kid realized that he couldn’t afford $3 every day, but wearing a sweater was okay. Nor did I feel like it was my job to make him wear one. We just needed that little side step of the Decision Fee to defuse the power struggle and make it feel like everyone had some ability to steer the outcome.  

There are a lot of times as parents where the Decision Fee can be a handy tool.  Rather than anyone using nagging, crying, or acting unpleasant to manipulate the situation, make a transaction.  To create an effective one, follow these two guidelines:

·         Real choice.  It is okay to pay the fee, and it’s okay to avoid the fee by complying.  There is no nagging, blame, or shame either way.  The fee is the consequence, not the blast of negativity.  It’s not unlike a cop giving a speeding ticket.  You don’t get shamed. You just get the ticket, and hopefully you start thinking a little differently about your choices over time.  Be sure to deduct fees calmly from their account without a lot of fanfare.

·         Correct amount.  The fee should be small enough to be freely spendable on occasion, but big enough to hurt if your child paid it every day. This will depend on how much money they have. Again, it needs to be a real, viable choice once in a while-- just one that costs somewhat.

The Coat Conundrum isn’t all that serious, but by trying out a decision fee, you can use it and similar situations to help your growing child balance sensible compliance and personal freedom. It’s a nice third option to letting either Dictator Mom or frostbite be their teacher. 

 

 

 

Room Doom

Does your child’s room look like a disaster area?  Because that never, ever happened here in the Sweeney house. No sir.  My kids are inherently neat and understand the value of a clean room.  What?  Seems implausible?  I meant, their rooms are clean because I rule with an iron fist!  If their room is not clean I take their door off the hinges!  I feed them on bread and water! 

No?

All right, no. Most kids have messy rooms during at least part, if not all of their childhoods because neither of those statements really works.  Most little kids don’t put a premium on neatness, and honestly, you don’t really want a worrier with budding OCD.  I’m skeptical about the iron fist approach as well in terms of whether it a) actually works and b) leaves any kind of working relationship with your child as they grow.  On some level, a room is a child’s space and ultimately you want them to be comfortable in it and learn to take care of it. 

Looking at a preschooler’s room full of toys and clothes strewn everywhere like a bomb went off is enough to make most parents cry.  Yet just a year or so ago, when your kid was a baby, I bet this room looked great.  What is the difference?  Babies don’t have stuff.  Preschoolers often have enough for a classroom!  Find five to fifteen minutes a day (no more) to get rid of things you child doesn’t absolutely love or absolutely need.  Don’t keep clothes they refuse to wear. Don’t keep toys with missing parts or that are hard to clean up.  Don’t keep toys they ignore, no matter how educational (you can put them in a box somewhere else in your home if you think they might grow into them).  Keep only flexible-use toys that can appeal to different age siblings.  If your kid has a week of beloved clothes, one good “pretend” toy (dress up clothes, puppet theater, a moderate set of dolls / action figures / rubber animals), one good building/spatial toy (legos, train set, matchbox cars and tracks, blocks, puzzle), a moderate set of “trendy” toys that all the kids love that year, a couple of stuffed animals to hug, and a small shelf of books, board games and simple art supplies, that is enough.  Toss freely – it’s inevitable that things will re-stock anyway.  You can’t do anything about the money that you, or grandma, or Aunty Garage Sale wasted on all those toys and clothes, but you can liberate yourself from too much stuff.  Declutter slowly but steadily until the room is feasible to pick up in three to five minutes, which is all a preschooler and a worn-out parent can tolerate anyway.  Then make cleaning it part of a before or after dinner routine.

Things get slightly easier as your child gets to the school age and teen years, if for no other reason than their new, chokeable toys tend to be smaller. Still, their rooms can get cluttered with knickknacks, clothes, toys, hobbies and trash. The same principles apply but your child makes more of the choices and does more of the work.  Advise them that their space is more comfortable if it only contains things they love and use.  When you see things got lost or broken, gently point it out.  Help them develop good habits by setting aside a couple of minutes daily before or after school to throw out, give away or put away just five things.  Let them decorate their space and teach them to ask themselves periodically if they LOVE and/or USE everything that’s in their room.  Require a “clean sweep” for vacuuming on a regular schedule. 

 By taking it slowly, you can avoid a power struggle with your kids over “their room” and help them work towards choosing the kind of peaceful environment most people ultimately feel better in.  Neatness may not be inherent, but it can be taught until it feels like their own great idea.

 

Control Center

There’s nothing about the parenting process where you are really “in control.”  Let’s face it, parenting is less like flying a plane than it is like wrapping your arms and legs tightly around a fireworks rocket and lighting the fuse.  Still, you want to at least have the illusion that you know what you are doing on a daily basis.  Enter the Family Control Center.

The more kids you have, the more essential it is to have firm systems for remembering what the heck is going on and what you need to do with them.  Since I famously would forget my own head if it were not attached to my body, one might question the wisdom of choosing to have five children, given that.  However, thanks to my deficits and this challenge, I’ve developed a bunch of compensatory strategies to maintain some control over the family juggernaut.  One is a smartphone that blares our alarms throughout the day to remind me to stop thinking about (rabbits . . . the universe . . . solutions for the Middle East . . . how they get the cream inside those Cadbury cream eggs) and go get the kids from their friends’ houses before they start to wonder if I am ever returning.  Pre-phone, I had a huge ugly Timex sports watch with three alarms on it.  Could not function without it.

The other is a Family Control Center:  a defined space on my kitchen wall, in clear daily view of everyone.   The centerpiece of this is an Enormous Family Calendar-- I mean one like people lay flat and it takes up their whole desk.  I nail it up there through the two little holes.  Then around it are a bunch of clipboards also hanging on nails (someday I’ll paint them and get fancy hooks so they look good, probably after the kids leave and I don’t need the clipboards).  They have the following:

·         Grocery list.  When I’m ready to shop, I just take the whole clipboard off the wall. I’m trying to train the kids to write things on the list. OK, things besides “Donuts!  MORE Donuts!”

·         What’s For Dinner?  I force myself to decide and write down every morning what I’m making and to list off alternatives for Vegetarian Man and Sir Picky.  Kids and husband can read for themselves and lower their expectations accordingly.

·         Chore Record.  The kids write down the jobs they did on here so I have them later for the “points auction” I’ve discussed before.  Chore post-its are tucked in the corner pockets of the desk calendar, ready to be plastered on the wall by me and plucked off by the kids whenever I need dishes done, floors swept, laundry done or tables wiped.

·         Attention Needed.  This has everybody’s names with a space for tasks or jobs that I need their decision, buy-in and/or physical presence to complete – camp signups, purchasing pants, haircuts, cookie dough order, etc. so I can corral them after school and take care of it.  Flyers, info sheets etc. can get clipped under the list.

·         Future Family Fun.  I write down dates and websites, etc. for fun events, movies to see, etc.  that we haven’t committed to yet or that will happen in future months.  Again, clippings can go here.

·         PBS TV schedule.  Because otherwise, we’re gonna be watching Pawn Stars or Ancient Aliens and sorry cable channels, but that’s not really science or history.

Your family control center might look different from ours, but developing one is key to maintaining some degree of control over family life.  You might still be riding a fireworks rocket, but you can point it away from danger, and to onlookers, it might even look like something really beautiful.